My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Randomize