Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize
