so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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