That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
false alarm. still invincible.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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