peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
