Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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