OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
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