haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize