Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Randomize
