Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
