pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
The Olympian is in my bed
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
Randomize
