I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
