Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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