I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Randomize
