I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
Dude ur right that IS what a vagina looks like!
Do everybody a favor and GET LAID MORE.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
I had to cum in my sink.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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