Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
Randomize
