You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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