youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
