I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize