Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Randomize
