I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
