I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
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