all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
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