mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
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