Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
Reggie can tackle my bush.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Randomize