you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
