My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Randomize
