Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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