It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Randomize
