if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
