I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
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