today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
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