Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
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