sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
