You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
