it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
