I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
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