ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Text me some of your sweat
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