About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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