that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
