Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
