he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
fuck your aforementioned shoe
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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