who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Randomize
