Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
I need moral support for this bender
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize