my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
