Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Randomize
