What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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