would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Randomize
