i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
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