this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
