im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Randomize