I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Randomize
