My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
