omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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