***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize