She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
