My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
